We’re in july, it’s summer time. The season of potentialities, a serene and limitless sky on which the sun shows with sincerity its most intense glow.
Today, it is with similar serenity that I witness my most sincere self.
As I look forward, a long road stretches before me and I do not ask myself if I will be able to pursue it to its end anymore. If I walk it today, I may walk again tomorrow.
Next month, on August 12nd, I will be taking on 42’s entrance exam renowned for its difficulty. It is my second attempt, 6 years later. Back then, you were a wishful thinker, someone who had lost faith in themselves and begged for anyone to discover and value some kind of esoteric secret potential deep within, someone to see the worth you couldn’t find in yourself. That did not happen. If nobody waters the land, not even yourself, how could anything grow of such barren soil?
The means to irrigate the soil were always there, my greatest blessing was that I could never give up on finding a way out of my struggles. Thus Progress started as a yet another attempt to push myself to remember not to give up and that perhaps in finding a way, I may light the path behind me.
The closer to a way I came, the more I wished to stay silent. Realizing that perhaps, I mostly wanted to show that I was actively working towards one, rather than genuinely walking forward. The words I wrote in the past were not an ode to progress, but rather the passing of a torch from someone who had given up to someone who still hoped.
As I have gotten more honest, the mismatch between my beliefs and my actions was too jarring to ignore. Save for my words (which, admittedly, for someone with terrible depression, hopeful words are a good start, but you gotta believe them) what part of my life showed that I was actually striving to get better?
It’s a question that haunts me now, as the challenge approaches I’d like to believe I’ll do my very best. So then, what part of my life today suggests I will do my best? I ask myself this question every time I get lazy, or when I am not doing enough to justify such an ambition. If I can’t spend at least 2-3 hours focused a day, keep my appartment tidy, care for my health, how can I proudly tell myself I will do my best when everyday I am not?
This question (as many that touch on honesty with oneself are) is very effective, it creates newer questions which ground you in what you truly want, in fact, do I care about giving my best? Do I really want to succeed? If the answer is no, then I gotta sit down with myself and figure out what I want, who I want to be, and the steps necessary to get there.
So for now, silence governs my daily life. These days, when I falter, I simply tell myself, “do your best today, so that you can do your best then.” the acknowledgement is silent, the answer is action. I was too deceptive ever since I was a kid, a great liar, to oneself and to other and I believe that it cost me my life until now, to act is to tell the truth. Silence lets me hear it, whether I like what I am doing or not, it sits right there in front of me, showing what kind of person I am making of myself.
Today, I have myself to rely on and a self that relies on me.