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. . . . . . . . . . . . . journal . . .

October 21, 2021 - Crossroads of Fates

I've gained enough information to roughly see the direction where each path leads now. On an afterthought I had decided that I was going to go with The Odin Project, it is aimed at getting you ready for a web devlopement job very fast. I thought I could use it to test my discipline and patience since It's all very hands-on and does well to enable problem-solving skills and autonomy.

It all sounds like an excuse to me, I envisionned learning math and computer science because the seems horizon boundless. The effort required to breakthrough the initial hurdles of navigating fierce uncharted lands is great, and I would at least need some kind of motive or purpose to go such lengths.. Well, the problem is I don't even know why I want to learn that I'm a bit at a loss of meaning there, however if you'd ask me if I want to learn it a hundred times, I'd say yes as many times.

Notice the it in I want to learn it, truth is I don't even know what I want to learn, people go on ambitious voyages for treasure or the promise of an eden. It seems the way I am going about it is like honoring someone's will, the ghosts of the past linger calling to your duty. They don't help you nor give you energy to act, but during this apathetic phase it's the only thing I see myself doing. Those are tough questions and each time I seek to answer them my mind goes blank. Sometimes I want to be somebody, do something, confirm my own existence somehow and the rest of the time it's pure nothingness, invalidating everything that came before. So I have decided.

From now until the time where I'll be required to work (which should be starting 2023) I'm betting on computer science and math. Not for any other reason than to invite serendipity, the unplanned and unknown discoveries, so to hell with those questions.
Whatever may happen in the next 2 years, I'll have tried.

In more practical terms, I'll be using some academic course I've found for starters, alongside other ressources to acquire the pre-requisite I need as I go and try to explain what I learn as I go to correct or confirm my trajectory. I will also record myself a day a week to see where I'm losing time or doing the wrong things, long ago when I used to play games intensively having that data helped a lot. Keeping a flexible and open-mind is seriously important too, no matter what I think, if it doesn't help the journey I don't think it should stay.. but that part I haven't clearly figured out yet.
Unprepared, I am going as far into the vast expanse as I can, beyond, is everything to find.